Friday, September 4, 2009

The Size Post - Part I: The Challenge

Womyn, it will come as no surprise to you when I say, all men are simply not created equal. But it amazes me that they tend to have only a fuzzy idea of exactly where they fit in, at least those who don't indulge in sex with other men, sex clubs, etc. As ridiculous as it seems, I'm certain their main basis of comparison is the locker room. [Imagine!] Which must explain that old myth we always heard (at least in the U.S.) that, shall we say, members vary greatly in size when soft, but everything pretty much evens out when erect. HA! If experience with men from five continents and at least double as many ethnic groups counts for anything, then believe me, the only rule is there's no rule. And I'd have to say, Vive la Difference! How interesting would it be if every time we unwrapped the proverbial package, the gift inside were always the same?? Finally, for you men, yes, absolutely, there is such a thing as too big, and smaller is definitely nicer for certain pastimes.

But I digress, as the point of this post is to convey an IMPORTANT PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE. So, condoms being manufactured by men, and men being convinced they are all the same size (the porn star phenomenon aside, which we should all recognize as ridiculously aberrant examples of FAR TOO BIG, even if admittedly very nice to look at), I am going to say that in the 4 countries in which I've lived, one is very hard pressed to find more than, at most, two condoms sizes. This could be roughly equivalent to a shoe store offering a normal or extra large shoe. Except, unlike feet, members (ahem!) come in compact, all-around super-sized, it's true, but also short but stubby, long and lean, mushroom-shaped, pyramidal, and, well, I could go on and on. Larger by no means signifies longer AND wider and shapes vary to the point were I've even seen one that BENDS half-way down.

Womyn, I used to be completely hard-line, with no sympathy for men who tried to get out of using condoms: What sort of idiots were these, I wondered? But having been hit in Europe with an unusual run of the amply endowed, for whom an XL is not nearly large enough (doh, no, please don't try to STRETCH OUT THAT CONDOM!!!), I've actually come to sympathize. Seeing a man squashed like a sausage into a contraption that robs him of any chance of pleasure has silenced my self-righteousness. About a year ago I started looking around for a solution, and hit upon the intriguing but impossibly complicated TheyFit which had 70 sizes. The sizing system was completely occult (for example, B66 or E17), requiring one to previously print out a template and measure in the privacy of one's own home. Meant, undoubtedly, to assuage the feelings of the more modest-sized man, this company seems to have gone spectacularly out of business -- see the website of Amsterdam's Condomerie. People lucky enough to have sampled TheyFit (I was not) still lament its demise in various blogs. still carries what remains, presumably the less popular sizes.

I am happy to report, dear readers, that I've recently taken up this question much more seriously and launched a market-research campaign, so that those of you confronted with lovers of unusual endowment will no longer have to go through condom wars. I'll begin with my own personal experiences. First, there's Germany, not typically a country prone to exaggeration, which offers, funnily enough, the Condomi XXL; note that this is longer (200mm) but NOT wider (its 54mm is a pretty standard width). An XL in Spain (such as Adapta, 57mm x 195mm) gives only a bit more width. The U.S.' Trojan Magnum is meant for large men but its tapered shape is a bit of a puzzle. It would be perfect for the large mushroom-shaped man (the stats I've found on the web indicate it's 64mm tapering to 57mm). But for a man with a more uniformly cylindrical shape, it's, well, a cock ring. Stay tuned for more on my search for the perfect condom brand...

No comments: