Friday, January 6, 2012

Sex Tip #6

Having been chastised by the same fan for the second time in a year regarding my appallingly low productivity, I really have to get back to Sexless Berlin. With the New Year, I resolve to start with tying up some loose ends. First is my promise two years ago (here) to provide screening tools for the overly well-endowed, whose attributes are sadly, in our society, constantly cloaked. I discovered a couple of years ago that, for the ballsy (pun intended) woman, this is extremely easy.

It turns out that men see their special friends as the center of the universe, and it's the easiest thing in the world to get them started on the subject. A woman need only ask, "Could I, ahem, ask you a delicate/sensitive/personal question? What can you tell me about your endowment?" They will light up with joy, as you will likely be the first person to have ever asked them this enchanting question. And womyn, remember, they are all comparing themselves to porn stars so any description you are given will almost assuredly be a significant underestimation. That's why it's especially important to steer completely clear of any man who, despite porn-related skewing, still, God save us, considers himself large.

Now that we've covered verbal descriptions, I simply have to take up men's peculiar love affair with cock shots. They are just itching to send them out and seem not to have the least idea when, or if, that is appropriate. As an extreme, I've even recently had a man send unsolicited videos (could it be the latest trend?)! I have, of course, investigated this peculiar behavior by asking various lovers about it. Their answer makes sense; they would like their center of the universe, their special endowment, to be admired, ideally as much as they themselves admire it.

Now then, you men, let me tell you, heterosexual women who love sex also love what penile-bearing creatures are packing, in all their varied shapes and sizes. So a cock-shot is not the worst thing in the world to pop out at us when opening an Email. But as men so often subject us to sexual energy which at times can be quite off-putting, timing is all-important. Surely your mothers taught you that asking is the polite thing to do? As with everything to do with sex, ask Ask ASK. [This brings me to another loose end which I'll have to take up later -- the issue of when it's alright to not ask.]

When exchanging Emails with a new prospect, then, ask her if she would like pictures. Be flirty about it -- tell her you are have some pictures to share with her, some of which are "special", but only if she says the word. She may not want them at all, because don't forget, pictures take away that agreeable anticipation that comes with finally unwrapping that special package. Some of us prefer the build-up to premature tell-all exposés. To head off a blizzard of pornographic images in my inbox, then, I sometimes instead opt to ask men to write me about their special friend. It's fun to throw it wide open by saying, "telling me all about it [him?] and what it [he?] means to you". The replies I get can range from shy [so cute!] to bold and sexy.

Now then, womyn readers, if you've established that the member in question is rather on the unwieldy side, it's up to you to decide whether you wish to follow my all-important advice on the well-endowed (carefully review point two/rule two again here). But whatever you do, when you find one of those big ones out there who thinks he's just average (per comparisons with the porn star du jour), do the rest of us a favor. PLEASE DON'T edify him. The smaller they think they are, grrrrls, the better they tend to treat us. Take it from me: I could plot it on a curve.


Anonymous said...

Yeah you're right, I guess a straight guy never sees a hard penis except in porn, so he has no way of telling.

Every guy knows that the porn actor is usually big, but we don't know exactly how much bigger than normal.

Katchita said...

Exactly, Anon! I remember attending a sexual health session at a symposium a few years back that had a highly unusual presentation. A feminist female photographer had compiled a slideshow of dozens of women's labia that showed a huge variation. I was quite astounded.

As far as men, there is a large difference. And that is why I am so insistent that men find and use sized condoms. I've written about this before (Size Matters), but if you want to know where you stand, try for a girth-oriented indication or for a much more sophisticated girth+length measuring scheme.

aspasia said...

oh, Katchita, what you say about their perception of their endowment and the way they treat us doesn't apply to my experience. I had the disgrace -turned knowledge- of getting to know the small reason and poor performance behind a couple of misogynistic guys. They and their little things felt threatened by the force of this alpha female, who tried in vain to make them better people. My good lovers have all been fascinated precisely by the challenge I am as a person, and coincidentally (?) have been well endowed men, and adventurous and confident men. To those great guys, all the praise in the world, I love to make them feel good, they've made me feel good.

Katchita said...

@ aspasia: My thanks for your comment and my apologies for my extremely late response: this month has been crazy. Please tell us more, you lucky woman! What is your nationality? The nationality of these wonderful men? In what country do you hang out? Maybe I´ll have to make plans to move there next... !