Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The (Anti) Monogamy Post, Part I

There's no escaping that the secret to my (past) success with men was my ex. A woman who's getting (most) of her needs met elsewhere is virtually irresistible to men. I found it very interesting, actually, that most men are surprisingly good at playing second fiddle for an alpha female. Only once in ten years did I have someone (quite a bit younger) fall a bit too hard, although I do remember one other relationship where, due to circumstances, and by unspoken agreement, we didn't declare ourselves. Living the alpha-male <---> alpha-female <---> beta male(s) construct for nearly 15 years now has been wonderfully instructive. All in all, I've found many men are very good at not pair-bonding. I'm virtually certain this is something deeply embedded in human sexuality. After all, why not engage in a little beta-male behavior on the side, as long as it takes little effort? It can only improve a man's chances at passing along his genes.

The interesting thing is that the opposite seems to be completely untrue: very few women can deal with their partners' extracurricular activities and precious few seem to be any good as beta females. I simply can't make up my mind if the alpha-female <---> alpha-male <---> beta female(s) construct fails so dramatically in European and American (including Latinamerican) culture because of socialization or if it's something that runs deeper, at the bioanthropologic level. The only men who I've found to be the least bit adept at managing relations with multiple women are Nicaraguans (this could possibly be expanded to Latinamericans in general, but I hesitate to do so as I haven't spent enough time in enough countries). What's the secret to their success? I'd have to say it's an uncanny ability to keep extra-curricular activities completely hidden. And this brings me to one of the strangest things about humans: we are the only species to hide our sexual behavior, unique within the animal world. Is this for women's benefit? I really wonder if might be.

I'm certain that I can hardly think of anything more contrary to women's best interests than socially-dictated monogamy. The extremely long time that it takes to properly raise a human child virtually guarantees a mother will need multiple protectors, and I believe it is a fundamental drive within us women to seek as many as possible, both alpha and beta. And how exactly does a woman do so? By convincing as many partners as possible that her offspring are theirs as well. And how can she best do this? By having surreptitious sex. I'm constantly flummoxed that, no matter how good I am as a modern woman in taking care of myself, I always feel a deep, visceral need for a protector. Or two, or three! So you men, let me cite Henry Miller, Nexus, who got it completely right: "A woman, when truly grateful for the attentions she receives, nearly always offers her body." It's really that simple. And that's why Mr. Berlin, Mr. Europe, and Mr. Germany just won't work, at all, ever.


ian in hamburg said...

So what do you think of the alpha male blogger roissy in dc?

Have you ever read him? Basically a locker-room braggart who, among other charms, advocates beating the living crap out of your girlfriend because she'll always come back moist and ready.

Katchita said...

Ian, doesn't sound like much of a protector to me. More like an omega male. Can't imagine I'd ever deign to hit his blog.

Rosa said...

Lots of women find a married, engaged or paired off man more irresistible than one who is not, so I think it’s not a question of being a man or being a woman. Just we, human beings, are like that and in our psyche things we don’t understand at all run deep, very deep.

I’m a monogamist. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, if my monogamy comes from my genes, from the Catholic male chauvinist culture I belong to, from my upbringing or whatever. But I don’t feel like being a polygamist nor do I feel like being with polygamist men. Which doesn’t mean I don’t have a nasty habit of falling for polygamist men, that’s another matter, a big contradiction I hate with all my heart, and my brain too!

Above all what I don’t like a bit is lying and, as you said, polygamy and lies are closely related. I don’t think being a liar polygamist (or a polygamist liar) can bring any happiness for one self or for others. And it worries me just the same if the liar lies to me or ONLY to “the other” woman, he is a liar after all.

I don’t know if that's why I don’t like Henry Miller’s quotation at all!!!! Just the expression "offers her body" makes my hair stand on end.

Katchita said...

Yes, indeed, alpha men (also known on this blog as men-who-love-women-so-much-they-find-it-impossible-to-say-no-to-a-whole-assortment) are SO irresistible. And Henry Miller was quite a piece of work: five marriages in addition to Anaïs Nin.

A few years ago I would have argued that it's the clash between our social constructs and our true animal natures that causes so much lying. But as I write here, I'm actually beginning to wonder if hiding/lying is intrinsic to our sexual function. Not a particularly cheerful thought, I'm afraid.