Monday, October 22, 2012

The (Anti) Monogamy Post, Part III

It's becoming increasingly obvious where this is going. So, for those of you who are pretty much reading this blog for one thing and one thing only (and to whom I'm increasingly catering), I've added a new label, "Non-Monogamy". Now, between this and the "Sex Tips", you can quickly and easily access what may be the best of Sexless Berlin.

Non-monogamous is what I've been, I suppose, since having something akin to a coming-out experience in my late 20s.  Recently, however, I've felt more and more that it's necessary to be militantly anti-monogamous, so as to continue to chip away at this monolith of monogamy constantly bearing down on us.  This blog has become almost exclusively my attempt, directed at both women and men, to do just that.  With sexism, misogyny, sexual harrassment, sexual abuse, rape and worst of all, pedophilia, so rampant in so many societies, I know we can do better.

As I am not in the least inclined to force my beliefs on others, it's incumbent upon me to recognize that the last thing that many of the people out there, who have suffered various traumas thanks to the monogamist monolith, would want is something that implies that they are responsible for servicing more people!  It's tricky, you see.  I have only two tools, it would seem: my eloquent (ahem!) writing and my ability to lead by example.

For those of you out there who've escaped serious damage and are perhaps willing to be swayed (and here I am speaking to women because most men, whether they admit it or not, would really prefer non-monogamy), how do I begin?  An Email exchange with a young and beautiful friend of mine brought me back to this topic which I've been mulling over in my head.  The question is: why do beautiful women so often castigate men who find them attractive?  It's quite simple: in our twenties the attention can become overwhelming, as I've blogged before.  And don't forget how intensely our societies trivialize women, reducing us to nothing more than our physical appearances.  The whole thing becomes at best confusing and at worst damaging.  Is it any wonder we get to the point where we wish we could make it all just go away?

Let's imagine instead a society where the important thing is not looks (or possessions or prestige or power), but sharing.  This is the world that Sex at Dawn envisions for us, where sharing includes everything, down to our own bodies.   Imagine what it might be like for you to be most valued for your desire and ability to contribute to and support the other members of your tribe or group.  Now imagine all the pathologies that would do away with.

Given that we women cannot just flick a switch and enter this alternate world, how might we begin to change things, little by little?  Let's start by trying to just assume innocent until proven guilty. After all, does it take a woman more than three minutes to figure out if a man, in addition to being attracted to her beauty, is interested in her mind/character/accomplishments/personal power?  I think not.

As a first step then, we can give These Men a chance.  After all, how easy can it be to talk to a beautiful, self-assured woman?  How many times are men cruelly shot down just because they try?  Shoot them down for being shallow, sexist, fascist, unintelligent, incurious, unthoughtful, etc., etc.  But not for simply daring to talk to someone who appeals to them.

1 comment:

Qaynard Qayton said...


you are a clever girl. And you feel lonely, are sensitive and valiant, and have time enough to think about the real roots of the not-so-blooming surface of our nice 21th century.

Most of the girls (and men) are and have not.

That is why they won't give up the idea they have been learning since the very moment they are bornt: that everybody is a half of a higher supreme unit and has to find his/her one-and-only other half in the universe.

That is a fairy tale. Everybody knows. Everybody knows but dosn't say, assuring himself a tiny chance to be yet one of the extremely rares who will do it.

They won't. Noone can do it. And this is obvious if one have a look at his parents, relatives, neighbours, friends, mates, presidents.

Still, it is unbelievably hard to tell yourself that your parents, yor teachers, your friends, your priest, all the actors and directors of your favorite movies, all the writers of the best books of the world - they all fooled you.
They exactly knew that it is a mission impossible - still they put you on the same track which they have failed on.

I guess that one have to experience some quite distressed life phase to accumulate enough energy and courage to go very deep and say that it has to be stopped.

In that aspect, all the difficult life situations, breaking up, being alone in a foreign city, feeling loneliness, experiencing failures are the means that help us to face the truth and give energy to articulate it. These are not bad. Thease are just unpleasant but good to help to be true.

I like your blog. I like your way of thinking.

With all of my sympathy: